Fin

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My heart was always open for you. It was warm, comforting, and familiar. You came and went as you pleased. You treated it like a hotel, always bringing in new baggage every time you returned. But one day, when you checked out, again, I changed all the locks. And this time, you, and your baggage, won’t be allowed in. 

 

- A. Wes

// Hidden // {poetry}

Do I embarrass you?

Make you look like a fool

In front of all your friends

Is that why you wont call me again?

 

If I kiss you I’m wrong

If you kiss me you're right

I cant keep going on

Living in your spotlight

 

You want to be in control

So I'm gonna let you go

You wont kiss me in the light

So I’m gonna say goodbye

 

Put on my mask, I’m happy

Take it off, it's the same old me

Sad, depressed, I’m mad and stressed

I set myself up for this mess

Yes I’ve put up with your shit

But I’ve had enough of it

I know ill find someone who’s better

Who will appreciate me whenever.

 

Are you afraid to commit?

Our love you just cant admit

Its okay if you're scared

I’ll hold your hand and be there

 

In the dark we are one

But in the light there's no fun

If you're embarrassed by me

Then go on and leave

 

We just live two different lives

Love just wont happen this time

At least I know that I tried

I’m sorry but I’ve made up my mind

 

-Avery Wes-

The Other Side of The Door

I sat with my back against the door. I could hear George Michaels' 'FastLove' playing on the tv on the other side. I was holding my knee's and I looked at my pants that were laying across the floor. I crawled over to them and pulled out my phone. No missed calls. No missed texts. Just the picture of Andy and I as the background. It was from our trip to Starved Rock. It was my first time going. Andy had been there a few times before. He had this red and white striped shirt on that Pablo, his ex-boyfriend, had given to him. "it's just a shirt, Ro'. It doesn't mean anything." That's what he called me. "Ro." It's short for Rodolfo. I wanted to believe him but I saw how closely he took care of that t-shirt. Never allowing me to handle it in the wash and always hanging it up before anything else when he, himself, took it out the dryer. I was always the type of person to throw out anything that an ex had given me. So, I found it hard to understand why he kept it. 

He was smiling in the picture and I was kissing his cheek. We got into a fight after that picture was taken. I was tired and wanted to rest for a while but he wanted to keep going. Being in one place for too long was never an easy thing for him to do. He sighed and eventually sat down next to me, checking in with me every couple of minutes to see if I was "ready." After about 6 minutes I still wasn't ready, but I said I was. As we continued to hike, Andy pointed out all the spots where he had hiked before. "And right over there, I jumped from that ledge down to that rock and landed on my feet. I still have the video of it." He tried his best not to say "we" when reliving his memories. And he never said Pablo's name. But I know what he really wanted to say was: "Pablo dared me to make that jump and he didn't think I'd do it. But I did" Andy is a showoff. And since he can't show off in front of Pablo anymore, he had to show off in front of me. "Want me to do it again?" I smiled and shook my head.

I put my phone back in the pocket of my jeans and tossed them back to the side. I  stood up. I looked at myself in the mirror. Nearly unrecognizable, I examined the newfound marks on my neck. I slid my fingers across each mark, feeling each bump individually. I turned on the faucet and let it run before taking a handful of water and splashing it on my face. I turned off the faucet and spit a few times watching as my saliva slowly made its way down the drain. I was filled with regret. Anger. Sadness.

The music on the other side of the door faded and I heard footsteps approaching. Two knocks on the door followed. "You almost done in there? I kind of need to get going." his voice was just as foreign as my own reflection. "Yeah," I managed to spit out. I threw on my t-shirt and slid back into my jeans. I secured my belt and felt a pulse in my back pocket. It was Andy.

Andy:

I got out of work early. It was pretty slow. Dinner at Zella's today?

I pretended, for a minute, that I didn't remember that Zella's was Andy's and Pablo's go to spot before Andy and I got together. Yes, I Instagram stalked Andy before we started dating. He didn't delete all the pictures of Pablo until after we had become official. Even though those pictures were deleted, I still had them in my mind. 

I ran the faucet again to prevent the stranger in the next room from hearing my cries. Two more knocks on the door followed. "I really need to get going, I have a meeting." I ignored his request to hurry up and rinsed the tears from eyes. I took a deep breath and unlocked the door. Before I could turn the knob HE opened the door. I say "he" because I didn't get his name. And if I did, I had forgotten it. He walked in looking right past me and he examined the bathroom. 

"I didn't take anything" I said as I turned to him, wiping my nose.

"Well some people have in the past. You can't blame me for being careful." he replied with his back to me. 

I walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. There was still smoke in the air from the weed. The remnants of my relationship with Andy lay broken across the mattress. Our memories. Our fights. Our love. It was all there on a bed that didn't belong to neither one of us. Did I give it away or was it stolen from me? I couldn't bear to be in that house anymore. I ran down the staircase, and He quickly followed. 

"So uh, whenever you're free again, just hit me up." 

I slipped on my converse looked back and smiled but said nothing. I walked outside and shut the door behind me. Leaving everything I had built with Andy inside. I pulled out my phone and typed out a message to Andy. 

'Zella's sounds great, my love.'

I thought about those old pictures on Andy's Instagram. The one with Pablo smiling with a wine glass in his hand. He was sitting across from Andy. Well, I assume he was as Andy was the one who took the picture. I wondered if Andy would take that same picture of me and post it on his Instagram. Well, maybe not after today. or Maybe he would. And he'd probably eventually delete it.

I hated myself. I hated the stranger who's apartment I just walked out of. I hated that apartment, too. I hated the stupid neighborhood I had to walk through to get back to the CTA. I hated that weak ass weed he gave me to smoke. And I hated Andy's shirt. I hated Pablo, too. I hated my insecurities. I hated my insecurities. I hate my insecurities. 

I walked to the train fighting the tears that were begging to be let out. How was I going to face Andy with marks on my neck?

Love Sick City: a Collection of Short Stories, Poetry and Photography

There are so many projects I am always working on at once but one thing I that I DO miss is actively blogging. It's not that I lost my passion for blogging its just that I was so used to blogging about my personal relationships and misadventures in dating. I wanted to take some time to reflect on all of the things I have been through as well as give my partner[s] some privacy as well. Now that everything is kind of settling and I am able to focus on each project individually I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to introduce 'Love Sick City' the web series. 

Love Sick City is going to be a collection of short fiction stories loosely based on my own personal experiences with my own creative touch on them. I will also fictionalize stories/experiences that my friends have gone through as well. The goal? To be able to write about dating in the modern world and being able to get feedback and advice from people all over without having to completely expose oneself. 

My love for story writing has only grown since I first started blogging. However, I can't forget my passion for poetry and song writing as well. I will also be posting poems once a week based on love, loss, and everything in between. The poems will stand on their own and not be a part of the short stories or vice versa. 

And as part of this creative adventure I will also be posting some photography or videos once a week as well that will be a lot more autobiographical and personal. I invite you all to join me into my imagination, my life, my mind, and my heart. 

It all begins this coming Monday, January 22nd, 2018.

Monday: New Fiction Short Story.

Wednesday: New Poem.

Friday: New Photograph.

 

Have a story you want advice on or a story you'd like me to fictionalize? Click on the 'Contact' tab and send me message! 

 

Looking forward to sharing my art with you all. 

Much Love

-Wes

Getaways and Rainy Days

Getaways and Rainy Days

Brown Eyes and White Lies

Brown eyes told me that its not goodbye yet

I’ll see you soon, so just don’t cry yet

And brown eyes held me back from off the ledge

Im having fun, having too much fun, yea

We were kids smoking summer days like cigarettes

and I just wanna let you know that baby you the best

You were so bad just like a movie villain,

 but in my heart you were always winnin’

 

They can take me out

And they can buy me things

But nothing can compare

Not even diamond rings

You can do it all

Just by being you

And all the other men

Well, its just no competition

 

Verse 2:

Your voice is like the wind on a hot summer day

Its cool, just like me, and it feels just like heaven

And your touch cuts through my heart to my soul

So take a piece, take a piece when you go

The clock is ticking, you know my ride leaves at noon

We’re running out of time and were both feeling the madness

I’ll hold you close, forevermore

Summertime, Summertime Sadness

Rejection is the Name of the Game

Bo Bennet once said “A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.” I started to think about this quote after I came across it this past week. I started to think about the many people we meet in our lives. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. And how all of them have one thing in common. They have all been rejected by someone. I started to think about what rejection is like today in the dating community.

How do we reject people?

Rejection comes in all different forms. From the blunt version of verbally telling someone to the cowardly act of dodging them until they get the hint. But a lot can be learned from rejection and this goes back to Bennets quote. I’ve recently experienced both.

Have I been rejected? Yes plenty of times. And let me tell you what I’ve learned. I prefer the blunt straight forward “I’m not interested” or “I’d rather just be friends” from Guy #1 than the “I’m not going to respond to you and I’m going to ignore you until you go away” tactic from Guy #2. I’ve gotten both, and I learned more about the other person than I did about myself. Guy #1 made me feel like “Why Not Me?” but I think that comes from any kind of rejection. But what I learned about Guy #1 was that he was confident. Its not easy or fun rejecting someone or turning someone down. Thats one trait I admire. And just because they aren’t interested for whatever reason doesn’t mean that you can build a solid friendship with them. I would still consider it a win. If you aren’t interested in someone be like Guy #1.

It used to take me a while to bounce back after being rejected by Guy #2.  I used to spend hours sometimes days wondering why they never called or texted back. Was it how I looked? Did they hear something about me? You name it, I thought it. It took me a long time to realized that I wasn’t the problem. It was never me that was the issue.

I’ve learned to take any sort of rejection with a grain of salt. I’ve been rejected a million times before and I’ll get rejected a million more times.

Justin: A short film on Love & Loss

I wanted to make a short film based on what love and loss does to a person in the long run. I've dated many guys and I have always wanted to write about it. I was always afraid to write about certain men for fear that they would think of me as "crazy" or "emotionally unstable" or "a mess" but I think it's important to be able to speak openly about your feelings. After I made this I debated if I should even release it. But I'm glad I did. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed making it.

Justin: A Short Film by Avery Wes

Anyone who knows me knows my obsession with love, and relationships. Over the course of the last 8 years I've dated all types of people and each one has left a mark on my heart.

I used to be so open about writing about relationships and dating. My relationships blog (AveryInChicago) gained over 500 followers in its first month. The more I wrote the more I felt weak and the more I felt people looked at me as emotionally unstable, or messy. And that didn't sit well with me. I also didn't want the people I was writing about to see what I was writing. So I let my passion for writing and creativity take a back seat and I kept it hidden and it's really taken a toll on me and my heart.

City life was moving fast for me but now that I've relocated to the suburbs of Chicago life is moving a little slower and I am now able to take in everything that has happened to me. 

I wanted to start work on a short film about love and relationships and how failed relationships affect people in the long run. From how we act and react to the world around us to how we learn to love again and again. I've recorded video journals over the past year and am finally ready to put it all together

Im excited to announce my short film titled 'Justin: A short film by Avery Wes' 

to be released next month.

H.E.L.P

H.E.L.P

 

Its typical of me

To get myself in this mess

Its not too long before I find

Myself undressed

 

In a bedroom where I don’t belong

In the arms of someone who I know is wrong

 

A little validation is all I need

To get through the night and feel a little free

Tell me you love me

Tell me you need me

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

Giving me what I need

Giving me strength

To live another day

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

Making me feel strong

He says I’m doing good

He says this isn’t wrong

 

I got feeling in my gut

I'm about to throw it up

I got a pounding in my chest

And an aching in my head

 

My voice is soft and numb

My eyes are closing shut

My hearts feeling defeat

At least he said he loved me

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

He says I’m the only one

I ignored the post-it on the table that said

“Baby I had fun”

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

If I could quit I would

But he told me last night

Nobody wants damaged goods

 

I finally see the truth

the devil thats within

I finally see the world around me

the lessons I'm learnin'

I may have nothing left

but a scar upon my heart

I may have lost it all

But found a brand new place to start

 

His Eyes Lied Proudly

But mine screamed the truth

He once stole my body

But he'll never take my youth

 

His Eyes Lied Proudly

My heart stronger than ever

He'll never take the best of me

 I'm finally free forever

 

Before I am anything I am a poet. This poem does reflect what I am currently going through but it reflects a place where I have been. A place where many people still are. I think often times we find ourselves in the wrong relationships and don't always know how to get out of it. Whether it be because we are afraid of lonely, or afraid we are too dependent on someone else. We are convinced we are the people that our toxic partners say we are. We often forget who we really are sometimes. If theres a lesson here its that life gets better, relationships come and go. And the only love that truly matters is the one you have with yourself. Never be afraid to ask for help, Never be afraid to leave a situation. Never be afraid. 

Make-Up Your Mind

Social stigmas tell us that Make-Up is only acceptable if a woman wears it. But recently, I've found many men spending some extra time in the mirror making sure they look their best. Including myself. A little foundation, a little bronzer and I'm out the door. Make-up is something that I never thought about trying, until I did. And I look and feel amazing. And I don't feel any less masculine than I did before.

But do men have an invisible layer of make-up that were unable to see through when we first meet them?

I went on a date recently with a guy who lives about twenty minutes from me. Still in the suburbs but he got me to drive over to him which for me = I find you interesting enough to drive twenty minutes for a first date.

We agreed to have a beer at his place first and talk before venturing off to this "wonderful restaurant he always goes to." I walked in and was greeted with "Are you wearing make up, your skin looks amazing" To which I responded

"Why yes, yes I am. How polite of you to ask." There was no judgment from his end but I thought it was a bit funny for him to ask. Perhaps he thought about Pretty-ing himself up too at one point.

We met through a dating app and on paper he seemed great. (which is why I drove 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back.)

Everything in his profile plus the conversations we had through text were great. We clicked, we had things in common, we shared a few secrets and stories from our past. But when we met in person; the vibe was completely different. Awkward silences, not from nervousness, but from not having anything to talk about. Our personalities soon crashed when I was scolded for setting my beer down and not putting a coaster down first.

After we painfully got through our beer ( I had left a quarter of it and tossed it in the sink while he went to the bathroom and then got scolded once again for putting it in the trash bin instead of the recycling bin) we made our way to the "best restaurant" in the area. 

He suggested I drive, so I did, (what a gent) and we went to this local bar and grill I had never heard of it. Upon entering I was the brownest person there and received a handful wondering glares. We grabbed a table and didn't get service for 15 minutes. Now, I work in the business and I understand how it goes, but this wasn't a Friday night, this was a Monday afternoon.

We finally ordered and listened to the silence that sat between us.

"So what are you looking for?" He asked while squinting his eyes.

"Nothing. I go with the flow." I answered.

"You have to be looking for something." He said with confidence.

I responded with a simple "No" and he let out some extra air from his lungs through his nose.

If this date was a marathon I was now slowly, forcefully crawling my way to the finish line.

We left the restaurant and I dropped him off. I politely offered to give him a hug and thank him for his time. He was out the car before I could lean over.

He had his own layer of Make-Up, it was called Social Media. Sure on paper he seemed great, but beneath the likes, and the cute angles, he was just a regular Grade A disappointment.

 

Maybe we all wear make up, some invisible, some not. But what I've learned is that Online doesn't always mean On Point. The only one who looked on point that night was me.