Getaways and Rainy Days

Getaways and Rainy Days

Brown Eyes and White Lies

Brown eyes told me that its not goodbye yet

I’ll see you soon, so just don’t cry yet

And brown eyes held me back from off the ledge

Im having fun, having too much fun, yea

We were kids smoking summer days like cigarettes

and I just wanna let you know that baby you the best

You were so bad just like a movie villain,

 but in my heart you were always winnin’

 

They can take me out

And they can buy me things

But nothing can compare

Not even diamond rings

You can do it all

Just by being you

And all the other men

Well, its just no competition

 

Verse 2:

Your voice is like the wind on a hot summer day

Its cool, just like me, and it feels just like heaven

And your touch cuts through my heart to my soul

So take a piece, take a piece when you go

The clock is ticking, you know my ride leaves at noon

We’re running out of time and were both feeling the madness

I’ll hold you close, forevermore

Summertime, Summertime Sadness

Rejection is the Name of the Game

Bo Bennet once said “A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.” I started to think about this quote after I came across it this past week. I started to think about the many people we meet in our lives. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. And how all of them have one thing in common. They have all been rejected by someone. I started to think about what rejection is like today in the dating community.

How do we reject people?

Rejection comes in all different forms. From the blunt version of verbally telling someone to the cowardly act of dodging them until they get the hint. But a lot can be learned from rejection and this goes back to Bennets quote. I’ve recently experienced both.

Have I been rejected? Yes plenty of times. And let me tell you what I’ve learned. I prefer the blunt straight forward “I’m not interested” or “I’d rather just be friends” from Guy #1 than the “I’m not going to respond to you and I’m going to ignore you until you go away” tactic from Guy #2. I’ve gotten both, and I learned more about the other person than I did about myself. Guy #1 made me feel like “Why Not Me?” but I think that comes from any kind of rejection. But what I learned about Guy #1 was that he was confident. Its not easy or fun rejecting someone or turning someone down. Thats one trait I admire. And just because they aren’t interested for whatever reason doesn’t mean that you can build a solid friendship with them. I would still consider it a win. If you aren’t interested in someone be like Guy #1.

It used to take me a while to bounce back after being rejected by Guy #2.  I used to spend hours sometimes days wondering why they never called or texted back. Was it how I looked? Did they hear something about me? You name it, I thought it. It took me a long time to realized that I wasn’t the problem. It was never me that was the issue.

I’ve learned to take any sort of rejection with a grain of salt. I’ve been rejected a million times before and I’ll get rejected a million more times.

Justin: A short film on Love & Loss

I wanted to make a short film based on what love and loss does to a person in the long run. I've dated many guys and I have always wanted to write about it. I was always afraid to write about certain men for fear that they would think of me as "crazy" or "emotionally unstable" or "a mess" but I think it's important to be able to speak openly about your feelings. After I made this I debated if I should even release it. But I'm glad I did. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed making it.

Justin: A Short Film by Avery Wes

Anyone who knows me knows my obsession with love, and relationships. Over the course of the last 8 years I've dated all types of people and each one has left a mark on my heart.

I used to be so open about writing about relationships and dating. My relationships blog (AveryInChicago) gained over 500 followers in its first month. The more I wrote the more I felt weak and the more I felt people looked at me as emotionally unstable, or messy. And that didn't sit well with me. I also didn't want the people I was writing about to see what I was writing. So I let my passion for writing and creativity take a back seat and I kept it hidden and it's really taken a toll on me and my heart.

City life was moving fast for me but now that I've relocated to the suburbs of Chicago life is moving a little slower and I am now able to take in everything that has happened to me. 

I wanted to start work on a short film about love and relationships and how failed relationships affect people in the long run. From how we act and react to the world around us to how we learn to love again and again. I've recorded video journals over the past year and am finally ready to put it all together

Im excited to announce my short film titled 'Justin: A short film by Avery Wes' 

to be released next month.

H.E.L.P

H.E.L.P

 

Its typical of me

To get myself in this mess

Its not too long before I find

Myself undressed

 

In a bedroom where I don’t belong

In the arms of someone who I know is wrong

 

A little validation is all I need

To get through the night and feel a little free

Tell me you love me

Tell me you need me

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

Giving me what I need

Giving me strength

To live another day

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

Making me feel strong

He says I’m doing good

He says this isn’t wrong

 

I got feeling in my gut

I'm about to throw it up

I got a pounding in my chest

And an aching in my head

 

My voice is soft and numb

My eyes are closing shut

My hearts feeling defeat

At least he said he loved me

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

He says I’m the only one

I ignored the post-it on the table that said

“Baby I had fun”

 

His Eyes Lie Proudly

If I could quit I would

But he told me last night

Nobody wants damaged goods

 

I finally see the truth

the devil thats within

I finally see the world around me

the lessons I'm learnin'

I may have nothing left

but a scar upon my heart

I may have lost it all

But found a brand new place to start

 

His Eyes Lied Proudly

But mine screamed the truth

He once stole my body

But he'll never take my youth

 

His Eyes Lied Proudly

My heart stronger than ever

He'll never take the best of me

 I'm finally free forever

 

Before I am anything I am a poet. This poem does reflect what I am currently going through but it reflects a place where I have been. A place where many people still are. I think often times we find ourselves in the wrong relationships and don't always know how to get out of it. Whether it be because we are afraid of lonely, or afraid we are too dependent on someone else. We are convinced we are the people that our toxic partners say we are. We often forget who we really are sometimes. If theres a lesson here its that life gets better, relationships come and go. And the only love that truly matters is the one you have with yourself. Never be afraid to ask for help, Never be afraid to leave a situation. Never be afraid. 

Make-Up Your Mind

Social stigmas tell us that Make-Up is only acceptable if a woman wears it. But recently, I've found many men spending some extra time in the mirror making sure they look their best. Including myself. A little foundation, a little bronzer and I'm out the door. Make-up is something that I never thought about trying, until I did. And I look and feel amazing. And I don't feel any less masculine than I did before.

But do men have an invisible layer of make-up that were unable to see through when we first meet them?

I went on a date recently with a guy who lives about twenty minutes from me. Still in the suburbs but he got me to drive over to him which for me = I find you interesting enough to drive twenty minutes for a first date.

We agreed to have a beer at his place first and talk before venturing off to this "wonderful restaurant he always goes to." I walked in and was greeted with "Are you wearing make up, your skin looks amazing" To which I responded

"Why yes, yes I am. How polite of you to ask." There was no judgment from his end but I thought it was a bit funny for him to ask. Perhaps he thought about Pretty-ing himself up too at one point.

We met through a dating app and on paper he seemed great. (which is why I drove 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back.)

Everything in his profile plus the conversations we had through text were great. We clicked, we had things in common, we shared a few secrets and stories from our past. But when we met in person; the vibe was completely different. Awkward silences, not from nervousness, but from not having anything to talk about. Our personalities soon crashed when I was scolded for setting my beer down and not putting a coaster down first.

After we painfully got through our beer ( I had left a quarter of it and tossed it in the sink while he went to the bathroom and then got scolded once again for putting it in the trash bin instead of the recycling bin) we made our way to the "best restaurant" in the area. 

He suggested I drive, so I did, (what a gent) and we went to this local bar and grill I had never heard of it. Upon entering I was the brownest person there and received a handful wondering glares. We grabbed a table and didn't get service for 15 minutes. Now, I work in the business and I understand how it goes, but this wasn't a Friday night, this was a Monday afternoon.

We finally ordered and listened to the silence that sat between us.

"So what are you looking for?" He asked while squinting his eyes.

"Nothing. I go with the flow." I answered.

"You have to be looking for something." He said with confidence.

I responded with a simple "No" and he let out some extra air from his lungs through his nose.

If this date was a marathon I was now slowly, forcefully crawling my way to the finish line.

We left the restaurant and I dropped him off. I politely offered to give him a hug and thank him for his time. He was out the car before I could lean over.

He had his own layer of Make-Up, it was called Social Media. Sure on paper he seemed great, but beneath the likes, and the cute angles, he was just a regular Grade A disappointment.

 

Maybe we all wear make up, some invisible, some not. But what I've learned is that Online doesn't always mean On Point. The only one who looked on point that night was me.

Defaming The Slut Shaming

"'Promiscuous' implies that I'm not choosy. In fact I'm very choosy. I just happen to have had a lot of choices."- Jacki Weaver

Jacki Weaver had it right when she said she had a lot of choices. I think we all do. The term "Slut-Shaming" has made a home in all the close minds of society. Slut-Shaming: when someone is sexually active and has the 'Out of Control' label attached to it. Meaning, multiple partners. I've seen Slut Shaming being used in the straight community but I've recently learned that gay community has found themselves using it as well. 

Why is that we judge those who are more sexually active than we are? If we sleep with two people and someone else sleeps with three; does that make them worse than us? 

I truly believe has as long as both parties are on the same page and everyone is safe, then whats the harm? Human's are animals and curiosity will always live inside us. 

This also made me think about dating multiple people at once. When single; are you limited to one person? Do you feel obligated to only "talk" to one person at a time? And if you choose to talk to multiple people, do any of the people you're talking to deserve to know that they're not the only one?

I've always been a serial dater. I was always taught not to put all my eggs into one basket until a relationship is established. In a way; Serial Dating is its own lifestyle. 

But sexually, and non-sexually, I've found that my life style is frowned upon by certain people. Both older and younger. Maybe its because I am now living in the suburbs vs last year when I was living in the heart of Chicago. 

I got to thinking; Does where you are in your state determine whether you get to be a slut or not?

To The Man I Never Met

Dear Man I Never Met,

I missed you. Where were you when I needed you? I still miss you and I see you in every guy I meet. Maybe you're there to remind me you're always with me. Maybe you're there to taunt me. I'm not sure. But I still need you.

I grew up in a predominately white suburb of Chicago and it wasn't easy. When I was 12 or 13 I knew something was different about me. I wasn't like the other kids in my class. I wasn't into sports, I didn't like hanging out with anyone else except myself. I looked for you at my school and I couldn't find you. I said "Maybe I'll meet him next year" 

The next year I was in middle school. We had just moved into a new house and we got a dog. He was my best friend. The kids at the bus stop made fun of me because I was 14 and had a mustache. I hated my mustache. Why did I have to have one anyways? Was THIS what being Mexican was about? If so, I didn't like it. I had a lot of bad days in middle school mostly because you weren't there. One day I had a good day, I walked home from the bus stop with a smile on my face. When I got home my dog was gone. My parents had given him away. I needed you really bad that day but you weren't there. I was hoping to meet you in middle school, but you weren't there either. I said 'Maybe I'll meet him in high school'

I tried shaving for the first time my freshman year, I cut myself pretty bad. Thank god for the internet. The internet really showed me how to do it the right way. I wanted to ask my dad but I was too embarrassed. I wanted you to show me, but you weren't there. Everyone was getting boyfriends and girlfriends that year. I got teased for not having a girlfriend. But the truth was that I didn't want a girlfriend. I wanted a boyfriend. But I was scared. I wanted you to tell me it was okay, that it was okay to feel this way, to think this way, to BE this way. But you weren't there. "Maybe he doesn't live here" I said. "Maybe I'll meet him next year when I got to Texas with my mom."

Texas was different. Everyone spoke Spanish except for me. I couldn't really communicate with my grandpa or my uncles and it sucked. They made jokes about me not knowing Spanish. It was all in fun but it made me feel sad. I needed you to be there to tell me it was okay to be Mexican and not speak Spanish. I looked for you as we drove around my mom's hometown. I figured I'd recognize you if I saw you. But no one looked familiar. "Maybe he's just busy" I thought to myself.

When I turned 18 I met someone. He was nice, and he reminded me of you. He was smart and he taught me a lot of things. He taught me that it was okay to be Gay. I always wanted you to teach me that but I guess as long as I learned it it was okay. He looked a lot like you, but he wasn't you. He broke my heart. I know you'd never do that but I was still mad at you for not being there after I was heartbroken. I needed you to be there as I spent countless nights crying in bed. But you weren't. Maybe you were busy doing something more important that helping someone get over over their first heartbreak. I really hated you that year. Can you blame me?

I met someone else, he was nice too. He didn't look like you but he sounded like you. And he taught me some cool things too. Like how to style my hair differently and dress nicer. Those are things I wish you would have shown me. I wish I could have seen what you dressed like so I could be just like you. But you weren't there. He broke my heart too. You weren't there for that either. I was starting to really not like you anymore. Why couldn't you just visit me? Just once.

I met another boy. And he looked AND sounded like you. He wanted to have sex. I didnt think I was ready and I needed you there to tell me what to do. How to handle it. But you weren't. I had to figure it out on my own. It wasn't the best experience and I really wished I had you there to talk about it afterwards. I waited and waited, but you never showed.

I see you in every boy I meet. You're there. In all of them. Teaching me things, showing me things. Helping me see me for me. But here's the thing, none of them are you. So I drive them all away and leave them before they leave me. Sometimes I act out and self destruct. I make them believe they're the ones leaving me so they don't feel as hurt. The thing is I really need you, and I've been waiting for years to meet you but you never show. 

I'm older now. I'm turning 26 in a few months. Hey I made it! It's hard to think about you still. I still have anger built upside me from years of you not being there. Sometimes I take it out on the people closest to me although I don't mean to. I should really show the people I love how much I love them. I'm gonna work on that next.

 Guess what? I have a nephew now. He's the cutest thing in the world. I couldn't imagine not being in his life. He's the reason I keep going. I made a promise when he was born that I wouldn't turn out like you and go missing when he needs someone. I made that promise about him and my other two younger brothers. For years, I needed you. I needed you to show me how strong I can be. How much of a privilege it is to be a Gay Mexican-American in America. I needed you there to guide me and you never were. I spent a lot years lost because of you. And you know what? It's your loss because I think I turned out pretty well. And you missed it. 

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I hope you're there for the next kid who needs you. Because everyone deserves to have someone to talk to. And everyone deservers to have someone to guide them. 

I wish I could say I don't need you, but I wish I could meet you. Just once. Cause I still miss you.

 

Love always,

Wes.

 

Lost and Found

Here's the deal, back in the summer of 2014 I decided I wanted to be a writer. I attempted to get my work out there but was unlucky in getting attention from people. At the time I wasn't enrolled in school and was in a shit hole of a relationship. I needed to figure out how to get my word out to a big audience without having a degree to back me up. I decided to write about something universal. Something that I know everyone can relate to; Love. 

I wrote about the misadventures of my dating life in Chicago. The (sometimes) good, (mostly) bad, and (definitely) ugly. I wrote about rejection, sexual abuse, falling in love, and falling out of it. As an artist and a writer it was my job to have condomless sex with my writing and let it all out. I experienced a lot and barfed it all out in words for the world to see.

I gained hundreds of followers and even got a deal with Roommatediaries.com as their featured weekly blogger. It was insane. With the success of the blog I was offered a co-hosting position on the radio show Saturday Night Social with Todd Michaels on Nexus Dance Radio. I jumped at the opportunity. With the blog and show, I met an insane amount of people and interviewed some awesome people. (Lost Frequencies, Dave Aude, Gareth Emery...to name a few)

After that I was offered my OWN show on the ALT360 radio of Nexus Radio. The objective: take my relationships blog and turn it into a show. It worked well for a while. Until I entered a relationship where my partner didn't feel comfortable with me talking openly about our relationship. I respected that and stopped blogging and focused on my show. Like many things in life, that relationship didn't last. (Thank God.)

I took a year off, moved out of the city and started the journey to find myself again. I had been in and out of relationships for almost 5 years I had forgotten who I was. I used this past year to find myself and learn to love myself again. Love myself in ways all my ex lovers never could. I enrolled myself back in school for the fall of '16 and focused on what makes me happy. After acing all of my classes (yay!) I finally have a good balance in my life and am ready for my second semester in school. I found an amazing guy along the way and I'm excited to write all about him. Blog posts about him coming soon :)

Life finally feels like its back on track and I'm excited to get back into the groove of writing every week. Not to mention the many plans I have for my show, Avery's Alternative. It's gonna be a good 2017.  I'm the 25 year old freshman and completely okay with that. Everyone moves at their own pace and life is a series of ups and downs. I invite you all to join me as I work on my way up. 

Love Love Love,

Avery Wes

Day One

Hello, and welcome to my official website. I wanted to take my personal blog AveryInChicago and my page for my novel RutByAveryWes and combine the two. Here I will blog about everything going on in my life, bringing dating back to blog and also writing about other things that have been going on. I haven't really blogged much recently so I'm so excited to get back in the game.  I'll also post updates from my show Avery's Alternative as well as updates from my novel Rut. Super excited to get back to writing and sharing many stories with everyone!

 

-Avery Wes